Releasing the Shame


I was 18 yrs old, just graduated high school, smelling myself and thinking I was grown grown and ready to express and embrace my independence. My friends and I decided we was gonna go meet up with some boys in Binghampton. I lied to my mom and told her I would be staying with a friend who had moved from Getwell Garden to Binghampton as well as babysitting for my auntie Pam (R.I.P).

We actually stayed in a TRAP house with some guys on Princeton. I met this guy and was laid up with him all week. One night, another guy came over, and asked me to iron his clothes for him to go to the club. Well, I said yes. Didn’t really see anything wrong with it because I often ironed my brother and his D- boy friends clothes for them when they went to the club. That’s how I got my school money. Well they guy I was “dating” walked in and saw me ironing the man’s clothes and hit me with his fist, busted my lip wide open. I ran out the house crying, and he followed, cornered me behind some apartments and continued to beat me in my face as I was screaming and crying. He told me if I tried to go to my Aunts house, he would kill me.

Reluctantly I went back to the house with him. But somehow convinced him to let me go to my Aunt’s the next night because if I didn’t show up, she was gonna come looking for me. I arrived at my Aunt’s house just as she left for the club so she wouldn’t see my face. The next morning he arrived at her house and forced me to leave at gunpoint. He took me to his apartment and barricaded me in, having sex with me all morning, and made me get in the shower afterwards.

About an hour later, my Auntie Ann (R.I.P) beat down his door and rescued me with shot gun in hand. To this day, I don’t know how my folks knew I was in that house. But I remember praying while in that shower “God if you get me out this house, I will never return to Binghampton”.

Once I was safe. I remember my mom and aunties crying and talking to me, telling me I was better than that. From that day forward I never returned to Binghampton, accept to visit my grandma and cousins (they will tell you that), I went straight to their house and back home.

It took me YEARS to realize I was raped because I blamed myself for being so naive, for having such low self-esteem that all a man had to do was tell me I was pretty and he got the cookies.

BUT God!

I learned that true healing restores, freedom begins in the mind and true love comes with restrictions. I thought my mother was strict on me but she was trying to prevent me from going down a path she had already walked.

In order to heal from our past we have to release ourselves from the blame of our mistakes. We have to hold others accountable for their actions. We have to reclaim our power to create a better future even if it means going after what we never seen.

My brokenness tried to rob me of a vision of better. But God restored me, and placed a vision within me that is bigger than I could ever imagine. My encounter with Him changed my life thus with my life I will ALWAYS praise Him and give Him glory. He is the GREAT I am.

All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.

Coach Indy


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